My first post.... this is scary. My whole life I have had a difficult time expressing what I'm feeling, showing emotion and saying what I think in a way that is understandable. Even to Z(my husband). I am in no way, shape, or form a writer. But I'm coming to learn that it is a way for me to get my thoughts out. And I love it.
This journey began in the beginning of September 2017. We were on our way home from Kalispell, Montana. A 9 hour drive. Z and I always have the best conversations on long drives. This conversation was one that I wasn't expecting but it just happened and I'm so glad that it did. Weeks leading up to this moment, my thoughts had been questions of, "Who am I?" "Why am I here?" "Why can't I express myself?" "Why can't I show emotion?" Then the follow up thoughts of, "I am not enough." "I'm a horrible mother." "My kids deserve better." "Z could do so much better than me." The list goes on and I was digging myself into a deep hole.
I was keeping all this to myself until I just couldn't anymore. A 9 hour drive home, this was my opportunity. I told Z that I was feeling disconnected. I didn't know who I was, what I could do to change. I didn't feel like I was enough in all aspects of my life. I wanted to change, to be better, I just didn't know how or where to even start. Lucky for me, I have a husband who knows me better than I know myself at times. He responded with love, kindness, and encouragement. We didn't have all the answers but we were united. It ended with us both in tears and feeling closer to one another than ever before.
So now I'm on this journey in learning how I can become my best self. Acknowledging that I'm no where close to perfect. I don't have all the answers. I'm going to still make mistakes, and fall short. But I am going to keep learning and growing for myself, and for my family. Because I am enough.